Just The Cutest Thing!

[TurcoLoco]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??

[jholland1964]

You must be in the same address book I am in...just received this today!

[TurcoLoco]

You must be in the same address book I am in...just received this today!

Forwarded Joke e-mails reminds me of computer viruses in the way they get circulated and get distributed...

[jholland1964]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something 'wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious dad, can you help?' So I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh my gosh!' my wife diagnosed after a minute. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

Well, it's just a little hard to tell with some guys, you know,' she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now, the whole family had gathered to see what the commotion was about.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what l ooked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911,' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a C-section? I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting, 'he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the Vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. 'Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.'

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So Ernie's just... just...excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wicked, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

' What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing. 'It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...' she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie. Priceless
Moral of the story: PAY ATTENTION during biology class; lizards
lay eggs!

[TurcoLoco]

hahaha.....how funny...

[TurcoLoco]

here is another oldie:

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following this simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
Before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos,
the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

[Gizmokid2005]

LMAO!!! I needed that!! Good ones!